Royal Carribean, thou doth embody American excess and imperialism

I would like to preface this post by admitting that, had I not gone on a holiday cruise with my father and sister this winter, I would remain a person who has never seen a sea turtle or towel animal in person or visited a neighboring country. In all, it was a positive experience. But looking back, I can't help but notice how cruise ships so totally reinforce the American stereotype: we are a nation of obese, materialistic simpletons.

Let me just say, I don't think America is a nation of obese, materialistic simpletons. But if I went on enough cruises, I might become an obese, materialistic simpleton, a process described in three parts below.

I. Why Cruising Would Eventually Make Me (or anyone else, for that matter) Obese
Food is available at almost all hours on a cruise ship, and the average cruiser gains two pounds per day. Like calves fatted for slaughter or ritual sacrifice, cruisers are offered gourmet breakfast, lunch and dinner in the dining rooms, where there is no limit on how many appetizers, entrees or desserts you order. Should hunger or boredom strike between meals, the Windjammer Cafe offers buffet-style eating all day. And for those who get the munchies at the midnight pool parties, they may enjoy hot dogs, nachos, or a full Mexican buffet, depending on the evening. While cruisers are encouraged to use the few small swimming (really more like wading) pools, a modest rock climbing wall, and putt-putt course, these are not really the kinds of things that put the "activ[e]" in "activity."

II. Why Cruising Feeds Materialistic Tendencies
After feeding cruisers into complacency, the ship crew's second priority is advertising. A shopping preview is offered each day to illustrate all the souvenirs and jewelry cruisers will have an opportunity to purchase at their destination. In fact, the cruise lines' designated piers are surrounded by shopping, both before and after the security checkpoints, like any good mega-corporation. After one of the on-shore excursions marketed aboard the ship, cruisers are deposited in other shopping areas - in our case, downtown Cozumel, which is an unreasonable walk from the piers and basically requires that a cruiser pay taxi fare to get back to the ship.

III. Cruises Transform People into Simpletons
Apparently, the more cruises you take, the simpler you become. The couple we encountered who had taken one hundred and forty-odd (yes, between 140-150 cruises with Royal Carribean) cruises were not even clear on where the ship was going, let alone planning to debark at the destination. Royal Carribean discourages such habits as making your own bed or straightening your own stack of magazines. Invisible international employees who don't need to be paid in the realm of American minimum wage will take care of that the instant you leave your room.